Picture this:

• You are at work and a co-worker is telling you about a disagreement they are having with someone else in the office. They give you all the details, all the “he said”-“she said” moments, and you think you know what would be best for everyone involved… W.A.I.T.
• You are talking on the phone with your sibling. They are telling you about how their teenaged son has been staying out past his curfew, spending all his time on his cell phone, and doing poorly in school. They share that he recently quit the soccer team (something he once loved) and started hanging out with a shady crowd of kids. All you can think about is that your nephew is probably doing drugs – and selling them, too… W.A.I.T.
• A good friend asks to see you for lunch. During the meal, they reveal to you that they are cheating on their spouse. You miss the rest of what they tell you because you want to give them a lecture on the sin of adultery… W.A.I.T.

One of the things that I recently learned from a good friend is the acronym, W.A.I.T. It stands for “Why Am I Talking?” The person who shared it with me gave the example of when his wife comes home from work and starts complaining about her boss, he has to remind himself to W.A.I.T. before saying anything. Making the W.A.I.T. into this question: “Why Am I Talking?” has helped him significantly in his communication with his wife. Previously, he would respond to her with suggestions for what she should do to better communicate with her boss; or how she needs to let go of trying to control because her boss is in charge and there is nothing she can do to change it, unless she is willing to report the behavior to her Human Resources department. When doing this, his wife would often get irritated and defensive, and the two would usually end up in an argument that had nothing to do with anything. What this man realized is that he had been annoyed by his wife’s complaining and was trying to fix her situation with her boss so that she would stop. In sharing the situation with friends, he also realized that his wife wasn’t looking for a solution, she just wanted to vent to someone she trusted after having to hold in her anger and resentment all day at work.

Once all of this became clear, my friend recognized that if, whenever he had the urge to say something to his wife, he first told himself to W.A.I.T. and thought the question in his mind: “Why Am I Talking?” he would be able to refrain from interrupting his wife and trying to fix her situation. If he was really honest with himself, this question would help him to see when he was feeling selfish and just not wanting to listen. It would also help him to recognize that his solutions may not be his wife’s solutions, and offering them to her may only add to her stress.

We never really know what is going on in the hearts of other people. Even if we think that we are their best friend or their most trusted colleague, there are certainly things about their lives, their feelings, their hopes, and their fears that they do not share with us. Therefore, how can we possibly know what is best for them as they journey through this life? So, instead of saying all the things that are running through our minds as they are spilling their guts – our judgments, our advice, our quick-fixes – we can W.A.I.T. By doing this, we can get honest with ourselves about why we want to say what we want to say. In addition, with this pause we may also recognize that the other person is just in need of a listening ear.

Unless someone comes right out and asks for our advice or our opinion, it might be best for us to just W.A.I.T.