Sometimes I just cannot understand the point of what is going on around me. Right now is one of those times. The frustration that runs through my veins is palpable. Knowing what I know and not being able to say it for fear of financial insecurity; knowing what I know and not wanting to say it as exhaustion has set in and I don’t want to waste the energy in talking. Why must I struggle so? Why must I wait? Why must I thrash about as if I am drowning?
When I look back at other times in my life, specific to this very thing, and see the enormous growth that has occurred within my soul during those times, I get it. But getting it does not make walking through it now any easier – or more comfortable – or welcome. Must I continue to learn the same message again? Is my ego so inflated that it must be smashed so often?
The fear that lies within right now is the urge I have to push the “give up” button. So often I have done that. So often I have given up, moved away, switched jobs, or broken off a relationship – simply because giving up seemed easier than continuing to try. I don’t want to do that anymore, but it is quite tempting at this moment. I have actually found myself fantasizing about being a character in The Walking Dead – they have no bills to pay; they don’t have to go to work; they don’t have to deal with taxes. Yes, fantasizing about being a character in The Walking Dead is one step away from giving up – hence the fear that lies within.
Help me today, God. Help me to change my view of what’s going on – no matter what that is – the job, the studies, the relationships, the strangers. Help me to see all of it as You see it. Help me to trust that walking through it will strengthen me. Help me to move beyond the desire to give up, toward the desire to try harder, ask more probing questions, accept life on life’s terms. I know that when You are working in me, I can do these things. It is when I am turned away from reality and the need to see the Truth that I suffer – as I have been suffering lately. Help me to see the Truth – whatever that may be.
Thy will, not mine, be done.