Jesus said to them again, “Peace be with you. As the Father has sent me, so I send you.”
– John 20:21 (NRSV)

Often when a verse or passage in the Bible leaps off the page at me, I try to imagine what the people in the scene were doing, thinking or feeling. In the case of John 20:21, what came to mind was a sense of overwhelming wonder, and perhaps some fear. In this scene, Jesus appears out of nowhere in the middle of a locked room where the disciples had been hiding after His crucifixion. Sure, Mary Magdalene had just told them that she had seen Jesus in person, but as far as the disciples were concerned, she was just a grieving woman who was probably losing her mind. Not quite, boys!

I imagine eleven mouths gaping open and eyes widened in awe.

Then, after a moment passed and the reality of the situation began to sink in (holy moly, everything He said was true!), they digested those first words He uttered to them. “Peace be with you. As the Father has sent me, so I send you.” Jesus, who was just horribly tortured and hung on a cross to die in the most painful and humiliating way possible, was saying to them, “As the Father has sent me, so I send you.” If taken literally, that is an awfully frightening statement. If taken figuratively, it isn’t much brighter. What must those disciples have been thinking and feeling? Must they also lose their life through the same horrifying process? Or, if thinking of it figuratively, must they turn their backs on everything they thought they knew about the world, their religion, and love, in order to be sent out by their Lord into the hateful world? Would they then end up being killed anyway?

How I read this verse today is through the eyes of someone who has most certainly – out of pure necessity – had to surrender her life in order to actually live. Because my addictions to food and alcohol had turned me into a lost, tortured, and hollow soul, I had become desperate enough to do anything to feel better. Through the loving guidance of others who had also experienced addiction (and were now recovering), I learned that I must surrender everything I thought I knew – and everything I once did to try to control my addictions – in order to place my trust in a Power greater than myself. I had to give up my life in order to truly live. At the time, I had no idea that I was “dying” to myself or to this world or even being “reborn.” All I knew was that I felt better when I simply followed the direction of those who had gone before me.

When I followed, I felt better.

In the first sentence, “Peace be with you,” I hear Jesus comforting me with the peace that only He can give. In the second sentence, “As the Father has sent me, so I send you,” I hear Jesus telling me that as His Father sent Him to die to this world in order to save the life of the world through His message of Love, I am to die to myself (my worldly self) in order to follow the life of Jesus, and share it with others. For me, this “death” has not happened overnight. It has happened as I have set aside one thing after another – over many days, months and years – that once served to be the center of my life. The great obsession I once had that I would be able to control my eating and drinking in order to partake like others. My need for personal security through the love of another human being. The intense desire for fame and fortune and accolades for things I never even did. Money, money, and more money. The list of things I have had to set aside goes on and on and on. And, as I continue to follow the Word of my Lord, I continue to run into more things that I need to set aside in order to truly carry His message. Sometimes that thought can fill me with fear: “How could I possibly give that up?!” Other times that thought fills me with peace: “Oh, to be free of yet another shackle!”

Oh, to be free of yet another shackle! Take them all, Lord! Take them all and use me as You will!