Yesterday was Monday – and therefore not the best day for going to work. It was especially not the best day for going to work for someone like me. It is not a big secret that the job I am going to these days is not my dream. Yes, it has been my career for 23 years now, and I am pretty good at it, but it is definitely not my dream.

As I was sitting in my office after a morning full of meetings, complaining to my boss about the poor communication in our department, the responsibility I have (but with no authority), the frustration I feel every time I see an email from a certain someone…I realized something that took my breath away. I do not really hate my job. I hate myself when I’m at my job.

UGH!

It is a pretty rotten feeling when I recognize that my agitation, my frustration, my anxiety all exist because of something that is going on within me. If I hate myself when I’m at my job, I need to look at me. What am I doing, or not doing, that is causing me to use the word “hate” regarding myself and my behavior? What is it that I am allowing to disrupt my serenity? Where in all of this is my gratitude?

These are not easy questions to ask. The bratty little girl inside of me wants my mood to be someone else’s fault. However, the grown-up who is trying to live a better life each day knows that I am responsible for how I feel, and for how I act. It is not okay for me to blame others for my sour mood. And, it is definitely not okay for me to walk around with a scowl on my face just because things are not going my way.

So, what do I do when I know the problem really does lie within myself and I still want to lash out at the perceived problem person or persons? How do I stop myself from complaining to anyone who will listen? The only answer I know to those questions is this: I don’t. The only way I have ever felt relief in situations like this is when I have turned it all over to God.

God, please help me here. I know I cannot stop feeling this way on my own!

The relief may not be immediate. In fact, it might take a day or two – or a year and five days – but God always comes through when I genuinely turn my will and my life over to Him. He always brings peace to my heart when I recognize His wisdom will light the darkest of my paths, if only I am willing enough to ask for it.

Already, just in writing this, I find the darkness in my heart has lifted slightly and I am actually grateful to have a job.