Flailing about
in turmoil,
I lose my breath
when the news 
is not my plan.
Why me?
Why now?
Why, Lord? 
My humanness 
looming so large
there is nothing
I can do
but 
embrace it
and
sob – 
sob so my chest heaves
and
the snot and tears
gush
like a majestic waterfall
in paradise – 
only,
I stand in a 
stone-cold parking lot,
far from the glory
of paradise – 
wishing I was not sobbing,
wanting to be strong,
robotic,
without feeling,
because
it 
just
hurts 
too 
much.
And then his arms 
envelope me
in a way they have not
since we first met
and
I almost hate myself
for hoping – 
hoping it is real,
hoping I might feel,
someday soon again,
that our marriage 
will heal.