Yesterday, I did not post anything to my blog. No poems came to me throughout the day. No words of wisdom, or even rambling tirades ensued. I was just blank, empty, and tired of thinking. I was uninspired.

And that scares me.

It scares me because of what I know about myself – which is that my greatest inspiration has always come from my relationship with God. So, I ask myself this morning – what was it about yesterday that kept me from my relationship with God? The answer that came to me was actually something I said during a conversation I had with a friend last weekend. In discussing our faith walks, I shared with my friend that even though I truly believe in my mind and heart that God’s plan is what is best for me, I am still pissed off at God right now for not moving things along faster.

Allow me to explain.

I feel called to a certain line of work. I have felt more energy in my studies, writing, and practice sessions in spiritual direction than I have ever felt in any other areas of my life. This call and this energy tells me that these things are what I am supposed to be doing. And yet, here I am, still pissed off while I drive to a job each morning that is not fulfilling because I must pay bills; while the fulfilling and energetic “work” I do doesn’t have a paycheck attached to it.

So, how do I reconcile this feeling of being impatiently faithful? How do I come to a place where I can truly embrace every single moment as it happens to be exactly what God wants it to be? I do believe that until I can find that type of embracing acceptance, there will be no forward movement.

My default setting: “Pray about it!” (another thing I happened to share with friends this past weekend!)

God,
I thank you for
jolting my awareness
through conversations
with spiritual friends.
This morning, I ask that you
grant me
patient acceptance
and
an embracing attitude
in every moment of the day ahead.
Gather in my heart
all the graces that only you know I need.
Guide my mind
to thoughts that point to your will.
Help me to feel your
compassion in my soul.
And, God, I ask that you
forgive me for being
impatient,
pissed off,
and
uninspired.
Amen.