“Here is the source of every human suffering: to see as permanent what is, in essence, passing.”
– Anthony de Mello

No matter what it is, it will change. This too shall pass. Change is the only thing we can ever really count on. These are some of the pithy sayings we offer to each other when things just aren’t going our way. No one likes to deal with a situation that brings pain, whether emotional, physical or spiritual. We all want to help each other during those circumstances. We share these statements, meaning only to offer hope; when what actually comes out of our mouths seems trite and sometimes even condescending. It is difficult to sit with someone who is suffering and say nothing, so we opt for pithy, trite, and condescending instead.

What I like about how Anthony de Mello offered the same idea as these tired old sayings is the vocabulary he chose to use to say it. “To see as permanent…” is a hard sounding statement. “Permanent” is like stone. It is final. And, it is debilitating if we think it relates to our suffering. To follow that hardness with the softness of the words, “…what is, in essence, passing…” is simply beautiful. The words float through the air, even if the reader is not reading aloud. They float the permanence away from our thoughts and our hearts into the nothingness of air just above our brains. The hardness of the permanence is gracefully lifted off of our consciousness, almost without us even recognizing it. Through those soft words, we are freed from the idea of permanent suffering.

It would be nice if we could all be word geniuses like Anthony. Unfortunately, the reality is that most of us are lost when it comes to comforting someone through a difficult situation. There certainly are many times in my past when I have said stupid things in an effort to help someone. What I have learned from those times is that sometimes there is nothing to say. Sometimes just sitting with someone, offering a hug and a tissue, or listening as they cry and vent their frustrations is the best and most loving thing we can do. After that, we can send a card (in the mail – no one sends snail mail anymore!), put together easy meals for that person to freeze and use on future days when chaos rises again, pray for them and ask others to pray, too; and let them know we’re there – to call, to go to a movie, to hold their hand.

More often than not, being a true and loyal friend is much more comforting than any words ever spoken.